


I Hate You/I Love You

by BeccatheBiscuitBaker, PSILoveYou



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst With A Bittersweet Ending, Anxiety, Collaboration, Depression, Fights, Fluff, Getting Together, Kleinsen, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Yelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 08:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16489412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccatheBiscuitBaker/pseuds/BeccatheBiscuitBaker, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PSILoveYou/pseuds/PSILoveYou
Summary: Evan and Jared love each other, obviously they don’t realize it. And maybe some bad things happen when Jared finds out, but who can say?Or two unstable boys learn that they love each other.





	I Hate You/I Love You

Jared and Evan were sitting in Evan’s living room. The pair were deep into their Algebra Two, but Jared being Jared, threw down his book in frustration. 

 

Evan jumped at the noise, “Um, a-are you okay?”

 

Jared glanced up at his friend, “I’m tired Ev. This is really lame.”

 

Evan presses his lips together, “I know, but, we, it’s not like, it’s, we have to do it,” he stammered quietly, starting to chew on his nail in nervousness. He stared at his lap, unable to meet Jared’s eye. 

 

“Dude, chill” Jared sighed, closing his book. “Last I checked acorns don’t freak out. They usually just fall to the floor and grow into trees.”

 

“O-Okay, well, um, last time I checked…” he stopped talking to think of a comeback but couldn’t come up with anything. 

 

Jared chuckled to himself, “See, quiet like an acorn. Mister ‘I fell out of a tree over the summer like a nerd.’”

 

“Well...well...you, um, you’re gay and you went to second base with a  _ girl  _ over the summer!” he smiled triumphantly as he finally found something to say, even though it had nothing to do with the topic. 

 

Jared blinked to himself. Did that happen? Did Evan actually sass him? 

 

“Excuse me,  _ what _ ? Evan John Hansen...What the fuck happened to you! Who are you? What did you do with the real Evan!” 

 

Jared grabbed Evan’s book and put it on the coffee table. Jared got as close as he could to Evan’s face without it being gay and proceeded to poke his cheek and say, “Boop.”

 

Evan’s mouth hung open and slapped his hand away gently, unable to hide his blush. “That’s not even my middle name,” he mumbles. 

 

Jared backed off and held a throw pillow in his lap, “Look, don’t mock me or my gayness. It’s not my fault that you don’t even know if you’re straight or not. I’m not saying it’s bad, but you should never mock a man by his gayness. Otherwise I have the right to call you homophobic, and we both know you don’t want that.” 

 

Jared got up and walked into the kitchen. He had been coming over since he can remember, he was allowed to raid the Hansen’s potato chips. Jared brought the bag back and settled back on his end of the couch.

 

Evan’s eyes widened in horror, “N-No! That’s not, I didn’t mean, I’m not homophobic, I was just trying to, I’m so sorry. I just tried to, to, like, I was just trying to say something back, I’m sorry, Oh my god, please don’t hate me!” he covered his mouth, drawing his knees to his chest. 

 

Jared let out a sigh. He hadn’t meant for it to go that far. 

 

“Ev, I didn’t mean it like that” Jared assured, patting Evan’s shoulder. “I was trying to make fun of you for not knowing. If anything I was being homophobic, and I’m  _ gay _ . I didn’t mean to upset you. You didn’t offend me, promise. You okay buddy?” 

 

Evan nodded, “Oh, o-okay,” he whispered, still not looking at him. He tensed, “Um, I d-do k-know...I think,” he said even quieter as he reached out hesitantly to straighten Jared’s glasses that were hanging crookedly off his nose. The action made him blush harder. 

 

Jared watched Evan’s hand retract, “Thanks dude” Jared grinned, handing Evan the pillow. “Uh, are you okay telling me what you think it is? I...you don’t have to. I had a hard time with coming out, and yes, I realize I wore a pride flag like a cape to school, but it was a lot of back and forth over the idea. And looking back I’m proud of my decision, but the fear was horrible. I just...don’t feel pressured Ev.”

 

He tensed more. He  _ had  _ to tell Jared, right? Evan was the one who said something. “Uh, I-I-I...um...I’m...I’m…” his heart started beating rapidly and his hands became sweaty, “Um, I’m…” 

 

He managed to say it but it was mumbled so quietly he wasn’t sure Jared could hear. He looked up at him hopefully. 

 

“It’s okay Ev” Jared assured, trying to get the boy to relax. “You don’t have to tell me.”

 

“BI!” he said loudly, flinching at his own volume. He covered his face in his hands in embarrassment, not wanting to see Jared’s reaction. 

 

Jared paused a moment. He had to make his reaction perfect… “Well...I wish you would be that loud in music class. It would really be,” he paused for dramatic effect. “ _ Bi- _ utiful singing.”

 

Evan lifted his hands from his face and stared at Jared with a blank expression before his face morphed into one of disappointment. He gave Jared a hard glare. 

 

Jared felt hurt. He tried. He fucking tried to be funny. What did Evan have against his pun? “Was it that bad,” Jared asked, running a hand through his hair in worry. “Ev, I was making a joke. Please, I’m sorry. What did I do, you can’t look at me like that acorn.” Jared got close to Evan’s face again. “Look here bi man, I made a fucking funny pun. If you don’t laugh I’ll boop you again. Bisexuals are supposed to like puns.”

 

“That was the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” he grumbled but couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face, “It was…I can’t think of any puns.” 

 

“You can’t think of anything  _ punny _ to say” Jared smirked, feeling relief hit him at Evan’s smile. “Nothing at all?” Jared watched Evan’s smile grow. This was perfect.

 

“N-Nothing…” he admitted nervously. 

 

Jared decided to poke Evan’s cheek anyway, “Boop.” 

 

He let out a giggle, “You’re so…” he cut himself off. 

 

Jared blinked. Where had Evan been going with that? “I’m what,” Jared frowned. “Gay? I know. You’re bi, don’t judge me you bi man acorn thingy.”

 

He shook his head and blushed harder, “No I, um, I was gonna say, um,” he hid his face again. 

 

Jared made Evan look at him. He held the boy’s chin up with his hand. “What?” 

 

He shook his head again as he shied away. 

 

“Evan Hansen” Jared hummed. “I will steal all the potato chips in your house.” He proved his point by going back to his bag on the coffee table and eating a large handful. Of course he swallowed too quickly and he kinda choked on them. “Fuck!”

 

Evan moved forward, patting his back. “Are, are you o-okay?” 

 

Jared coughed into his elbow. He waved Evan off and watched his friend vanish to the kitchen. Evan returned with a glass of water, and handed it to Jared. Jared sipped at the drink until he didn’t feel like chip chunks were poking his throat. “Thanks,” Jared whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My fault for trying to show off.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? Well, that was a stupid question cause you just choked. Do you want more water? I’ll go get more water.” Evan said frantically. He reached for the glass so he could go refill it. 

 

Jared met Evan’s hand part way, stopping Evan from grabbing the glass. Jared grabbed hold of Evan’s wrist and shook his head no. “I’m fine Ev. Everyone does that once and awhile. Remember when your mom took us out to eat and you almost died eating pizza?”

 

Evan nodded sheepishly, and focused on Jared’s grip on his wrist. His stomach fluttered warmly at the touch and smiled to himself softly. 

 

Jared saw Evan smile and wondered what he was thinking about. He hadn’t seen him do that in a long time. He wouldn’t smile that genuinely without Jared making him laugh. “What were we talking about? Before I almost died? But not really, I’m fine.” 

  
  


Evan jerked back but Jared kept his hold on his wrist, “O-Oh, uh, I don’t remember,” he lied, “It doesn’t matter. It probably wasn’t important. Um,” he laughed nervously. 

 

“No, you were gonna say something about me,” Jared recalled, keeping Evan from going into a ball. “As long as you don’t tell me that you have it for Zoe Murphy again I won’t care, you know she isn’t as sweet as she looks.”

 

“That’s not even, yes she is!” he protested, trying to get off-topic. 

 

“Bullshit,” Jared snapped, he couldn’t be hearing this from Evan. “She slapped me on the first day of school. Remember the bruise? She’s scary as fuck! How the hell do you like her Ev? Go find a nice guy or something, anyone but her.”

 

Evan frowned and tried to pull away again but couldn’t, “What do you have against the Murphys!” 

 

“I used to be friends with Connor” Jared cried. “His dad beat him, Zoe never defended him, their mom was too scared, and Zoe used to be just as bad. She thought Connor was a bad person so she hurt him if he got close. She stopped beating him up sooner than their dad, but if Connor was ever upset she went defensive. And people wonder why Connor killed himself. You’re lucky I stole that letter back from him, otherwise you would have been pulled into it and Larry could have gotten to you. The Murphy’s are bad fucking news. Zoe would have hurt you and still would if she got close. It’s not her fault fully, but I don’t want my friend being hurt like that. Get it through your head, they aren’t your friends. They. Will. Hurt. You.”

 

Evan froze, staring at him with wide-eyes. “Get away from me,” he said quietly after a moment. 

 

“What,” Jared whispered, letting go of Evan’s wrist. He had forgotten about holding onto it. “Why?”

 

He stood up immediately, “You’re an asshole. She  _ is _ my friend, you’re just trying to take that away from me. Why? Is it so hard to believe someone actually  _ wants  _ to be my friend and they’re not just doing it for their fucking car-insurance? Am I that pathetic to you, Jared?” he stormed off, heading towards his room. 

 

Jared just sat for a moment. Car-insurance? What? Jared followed after Evan and tried his door. It was locked. Fuck. “EVAN LET ME IN!” No response. Jared paced the hall and pondered what he could say. Evan didn’t know what he was getting into. Maybe  _ Zoe  _ wouldn’t hurt him, but if he got close to Larry...nope not gonna think about it. Wait! Yes he is. Jared walked back to the living room and made sure his stuff was packed up in case he really had to leave.

 

Jared made it out the door and left his school bag on the pathway leading to the house. He found Evan’s window and pried it open. Jared climbed through and found his friend lying on his bed. “Evan, I’m not kidding. I wouldn’t lie about the Murphy’s like that. Once when I was with Connor...his dad pulled me aside. And...let’s just say I didn’t expect there to be a knife to my chest. You can be friends with Zoe, I’m happy that you have friends, but Larry is a scary guy. Don’t hurt yourself, please.” Jared left as quick as he came and started down the street. He had warned Evan, he tried.

 

“Wait!” Evan called after him, he followed him out, “Wait, Jared!” 

 

“Why should I,” Jared cried, walking faster. “Apparently all I care about is insurance! It’s not like that was a joke because I’m insecure about myself and my image. Oh no, I’m just an asshole. Right Evan?!”

 

He stopped walking, “What…?” 

 

“I said that to make myself feel better,” Jared muttered, turning to face Evan. “I have so many fucking issues Evan. I hate my body, my parents are homophobic, and I can’t get the image of Larry out of my head no matter what I try. Everything felt like shit, I wanted to feel better, so obviously I acted like an asshole to you. I never meant to hurt you, I just didn’t want to hurt so badly anymore. I-I...I can’t do this right now Evan. Go be friends with Zoe, I’m proud, just stay away from the parents please. I don’t wanna see you babbling about a knife to your chest.”

 

Evan pulled him in, hugging him tightly, not saying a word and not letting him go. 

 

“Ev…” Jared trailed off. Evan gave good hugs. Jared wrapped his arms around Evan’s torso and tried not to cry. Along with everything Evan was a good couple inches taller than him, which made Evan look hilarious when he tried to fold in on himself. Jared knew it was a nervous tick of his, but it was always a little funny. “Please don’t get hurt. Please be careful.”

 

“I didn’t know you felt like that,” he whispered, going back to the more important topic, “Why didn’t you tell me this? Oh my god…you should have told me.” 

 

Jared took a deep breath and put Evan at an arm's distance, “You knew about my parents,” Jared chided. “I never planned on telling you about Larry, and...why should I bother you with my issues? You’ve got anxiety up the butt Ev, you didn’t need my shit to deal with too. I was just hoping that they would go away, they never did.”

 

He cringed, “I’m sorry,” he took a step closer to hug him again. 

 

Jared felt a small smile on his lips when Evan went to hug him, “What’s up with you and hugs today Ev?”

 

“I just, I really like, um...I like human c-contact,” he admitted shyly, “Can you, can we go back home?” 

 

Jared nodded his head and let Evan pull him back to the house. The two sat back on the couch and Jared pulled out his homework again. “Back to work now that we’ve had our heart to heart?”

 

He nodded, pulling his own stuff into his lap, “Pretty,” he said suddenly, “T-That’s, um, that’s w-w-what I was going to, um, to say,” he stared down at his lap. 

 

“About what,” Jared asked, grabbing his pencil. “Zoe?”

 

“No...uh...y-you,” he squeaked, turning away. 

 

Jared must have misheard. “Me?”

 

Evan was too embarrassed to respond. 

 

“Evan, you’ve gotta talk to me buddy,” Jared sighed, putting the book down. “I’m really confused right now.”

 

He shook his head.

 

“I will boop you,” Jared warned. “I will boop you again.”

 

“Forget it, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. 

 

Jared rolled his eyes, he wasn’t getting anywhere like this. Jared stole Evan’s book away and threw the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Evan was light as a feather and it was easy to carry him around. Jared marched around the house and ignored Evan’s protests, “I’m not putting you down!”

 

Evan shrieked, “Jared! Oh my god, you’re gonna drop me!” he clung to the shorter boy’s torso, wrapping his legs around his hips and his arms around Jared’s neck tightly. He was shaking in fear of falling. 

 

“You barely weigh anything dude,” Jared hummed, jogging up the stairs. He would not admit that he liked Evan clinging to him. “I could throw you like a rubber ball. This is probably a good workout, maybe I’ll do this more often.”

 

“I-I thought- think, I think you’re pretty! There!” he screamed, clinging tighter. 

 

Jared paused his marching. He had made it back to the living room by then. Jared let go of Evan and he dropped to the couch. “I’m sorry,  _ what? _ Do you need help? Should I take you to the eye doctor?”

 

Evan frowned in confusion but turned his face away again, “I l-like you,” he mumbled. 

 

Jared flopped down dramatically in Evan’s lap. He reached his arms up and made Evan face him. “He’s officially lost it,” Jared declared.

 

He moved away again, curling in on himself, “I-It’s t-true!” 

 

Jared pulled Evan up from the couch. This was both the most exciting and scary part of his life thus far. Jared stretched up a bit and had his face equal to Evan’s, “Are you sure about that acorn?”

 

He gave a small nod, “I always have,” 

 

His body was still trembling fiercely, unsure of how Jared was going to react. This was probably the dumbest thing he’s ever done. Why the hell did he tell Jared? Oh god. He couldn’t look at him. 

 

Jared pondered his options. He could be a dick and break Evan’s heart, but he was done doing that. Ugh, feelings are so stupid, “Alright then.” Jared tilted Evan’s head and kissed him quickly before retracting and going back to the couch.

 

Evan pulled away in surprise but it turned to anger quickly, “ _ Don’t _ , okay? Don’t do that.” 

 

Jared sighed in annoyance, “Why? I’m not trying to hurt you Ev. If you have issues with me, don’t tell me that my crush of three years had feelings for me and then hurt me by saying no. This is what I don’t understand. I try to do this, I think that maybe for once things are gonna work out, and my dumb ass messes it up. I’m sorry Evan, I’ll just go.”

 

“No!” he looked up, “I thought, I thought you, I didn’t know you like me too! I thought you were just being nice. Oh god, I’m sorry, that was so rude! Please don’t go,” he grabbed Jared’s hand. 

 

Jared turned back to face Evan. He looked back on the afternoon and realized how stupid he had been. God, Jared was oblivious. It was so obvious. 

 

“Today has been very emotionally exhausting Ev,” Jared groaned, falling into Evan’s chest. “I need another hug, please.”

 

Evan gladly pulled him closer, nuzzling his face into the crook of Jared’s neck. Before he could think better of it, he left a small kiss on his skin. 

 

Jared blushed as he felt Evan’s lips press against his neck. Oh my god! “You’re welcome to do that all you want,” Jared whispered. “Actually, I expect it now, you’re comfy.”

 

Evan did as told, leaving a trail of kisses up his neck before finally pressing their lips together slowly.

 

Jared’s skin tingled as Evan moved up his neck. Jared really liked it. When Evan kissed him Jared closed his eyes and cupped Evan’s cheek with one hand to keep him from backing off. He seriously couldn’t believe this was happening, it obviously was, but this was like a dream come true.

 

Evan started to recognize the anxiety bubbling up and he jerked away, “S-Sorry, this is, this is a lot right now.” 

 

Jared nodded his head and laced his fingers with Evan’s, “Totally okay. I get it. Hug?” Jared held out his arms, despite not wanting to let go of Evan’s fingers.

 

Evan nodded in frustration and hugged him tensely. Stupid fucking anxiety ruined everything. He kind of wished Jared had kept going anyway. He’d been wanting this for forever, why did he have to fuck it up? 

 

“Relax Ev,” Jared hummed, rubbing his hand up and down the taller boy’s back. “Talk to me buddy.”

 

“I wanted that. I wanted that s-so bad and I r-ruined it,” he whispered, hugging Jared tighter. 

 

“Evan,” Jared chuckled. “You didn’t ruin anything. I promise that. Do you want me to kiss you?” 

 

Evan ignored his own uncomfortableness and pressed his lips against Jared’s again. He wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck and crawled into his lap. He tried to push down the panic as he started shaking harder. He was  _ fine.  _

 

_ You fucking coward, deal with it.Stop being a pathetic fucking mess. _

 

Jared was surprised with how Evan reacted, but kissed him back at first. Then he noticed how tense Evan was and forced him back, “Evan,” Jared panted, “Stop forcing yourself.”

 

“I’m not,” he pulled Jared on top of him, kissing him again. 

 

Jared forced his way off of Evan and sat next to him. He covered Evan’s mouth with his hand and made sure Evan held eye contact. “Stop lying to me and yourself. Please.”

 

“Fuck you” he spat as he stood up. 

 

“Evan, what the fuck,” Jared cried. “I can tell when you’re anxious. It’s okay. You- I….ugh! It makes me sad that you’re forcing yourself. Don’t try lying. You suck at it. It makes me uncomfortable that you’re uncomfortable and still going with this like it’s nothing. Please, calm down and listen to yourself. I just want you to be happy, not having an internal battle over shit like kissing. That’s not what I wanted from you as it is. I just wanted you Evan.”

 

“Yeah well, that’s, you’re not gonna like me anymore soon and then you’re going to leave and maybe if I can, If I could...if we...if we do...maybe you’ll stay,” he mumbled. 

 

Jared approached Evan and rested his head on his shoulder, “I want you, I don’t care about how often we make out Ev. I’m not gonna leave if I don’t have to. I promise.”

 

“Okay” he said to end the conversation. He didn’t  believe a word of it but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

 

_ Here you are, making him take care of you after everything he just told you about himself. You’re so fucking selfish.  _

 

Jared smiled softly and picked up their books, “How about we finish this? Then we don’t have to worry about it for the rest of the weekend.” Jared pulled Evan to the couch and they started back up. He watched Evan work for a minute before finishing his own problems. Evan had a look in his eye, so Jared nudged his foot and caught his attention, “You have cute freckles,” Jared whispered.

 

Evan didn’t respond but shifted uncomfortably, “I finished,” he said after a moment, “You can copy it if you want,” 

 

“I’ve got this” Jared assured, scribbling in the margin of his paper, “Aaaaannnd, done! What next acorn?”

 

“I’m tired,” he sighed “Are you...are you gonna stay the night?” 

 

“Yeah, I still have stuff here from last time,” Jared nodded, putting his book back into his backpack. “Want anything to eat? I can order a pizza if you want?”

 

“Can you, uh,” he started fidgeting, “It’s just, can you a-answer the door too? I’m sorry…” 

 

Jared nodded his head and grabbed his phone, “Last I checked, since you and I have different tastes in pizza, we usually just get cheese. Do you want me or order cheesy bread too?”

 

“Anything’s fine,” he mumbled, not wanting to bother him more. He curled up on the couch. 

 

“I’ll get cheesy bread” Jared declared. He made the call quickly and accidentally ran a hand through Evan’s hair while he waited for the delivery person, “Sorry.”

 

Evan blushed deeply and leaned into Jared. 

 

“I...do you want me to keep going,” Jared asked, not sure what to do.

 

He nodded shyly and closed his eyes.

 

“Okay. It’s soft anyway,” Jared said quietly, bringing his hand back. It was really soft. Jared really liked petting Evan’s hair. Definitely his new favorite activity.

 

He let out a purring sound and his eyes shot open and he jerked away in embarrassment. 

 

“Aww, come back,” Jared pleaded. “It’s cute. C’mon acorn. Let me pet the hair.”

 

Evan moved back slowly, crawling back into Jared’s lap. He tried not to overthink the noises he was making and let himself relax. 

 

“You look so cute Ev,” Jared grinned, loving the little purrs that came out of his mouth. “ I might die of cuteness.”

 

“Then I’d cry,” he joked. 

 

“Then I won’t die,” Jared chuckled. “You crying would ruin the cuteness, giving me no reason to be dead. But seriously, you’re adorable.”

 

“You’re really, um” he blushed at what he was about to say and his voice became quieter, “h-hot,, shit, that was so weird, I’m sorry,” he covered his face. 

 

“Nononono,” Jared gasped, pulling his hands away. “Thanks Ev. It’s not weird, I promise. You’re really nice to say that, thank you.” Jared pecked Evan’s cheek quickly before going back to petting his hair.

 

Evan looked at him, “It’s true, Jared, and I’m going to do everything in my p-power to, uh, make you believe it one day...sorry,” 

 

Jared shook his head but kept his hand in Evan’s hair, “I never hated my face, but more my body. I need to lose weight. Just let me carry you around, that’ll be a good start.”

 

“I’m talking about your  _ whole _ body. I don’t want you to do anything to be skinny. I’m not gonna be a part of that,” 

 

“Ugh, fine, you win Ev,” Jared surrendered. “Can I still carry you for fun?”

 

He hesitated for a moment, “Just, you have to promise not to let me fall. I get scared of falling.”

 

“You won’t fall, I won’t let you go until it’s safe Ev,” Jared assured, grabbing Evan’s hand with the one he had free. “But if you fall out of another tree it’ll be more difficult to catch you.”

 

He stiffened, “I’m, I’m doing my best, not, not to climb that high anymore,” he mumbled. 

 

“Yeah, falling a couple of feet it’ll be easy to catch you,” Jared nodded. “Was the view nice up there? I’m too lazy to get that high.”

 

“I...I don’t remember, I kind of blocked it out,”

 

“You climb a tree for fun and block out the view,” Jared snorted. “I guess it’s scary being up that high. You’re really lucky you didn’t hurt yourself worse. I would be devastated. I don’t need an Evan with a broken leg or something. That wouldn’t be good. But, I’d get to carry you everywhere and people would think I’m being nice by doing it.”

 

“Yeah, well, when I climbed that tree, you weren’t exactly admitting we were even friends so don’t pretend you would’ve helped,” he snapped. 

 

“I’m an asshole,” Jared muttered. “God. You deserved better Ev, I’m sorry. I can’t make up for what I did, but I’ll try. And if you need space cause I’m suddenly not a total jerk, tell me. I can give you a break. I shouldn’t have treated you like that, insecure or not. You’re my best friend Evan, hell, you’re my only friend. And, I am so fucking sorry I hurt you.”

 

“Stop! Oh my god, just stop. I don’t want to talk about this. You’re not the reason I...it doesn’t matter. Stop,” he dug his hands into the front of his hoodie. 

 

“Ev,” Jared whispered. “What did you do? Ev, You can’t do that to me. What happened? If it’s that bad that you won’t talk to me talk to your mom, but Ev, now I’m worried. I don’t get it.”

 

“I  _ fell _ , Jared. I’m not Connor.” 

 

“I never said you didn’t fall,” Jared frowned. “I thought maybe you punched someone. Evan, what the fuck. You...you let go. You  _ let go _ . How...why…Evan I...oh my god.” 

 

Jared wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what he would say. The doorbell rang, so Jared got up and paid for the pizza that he had ordered. Something to keep him busy. Jared took the boxes and set them on the coffee table. He sat back down and took his turn to curl into a ball. Evan  _ let go _ .

 

As soon as the delivery guy was gone, Evan lost it, He didn’t care Jared wasn’t taking it well. He had to convince him he was wrong. He  _ had  _ to.

 

“Okay, look, I’m  _ sorry _ Connor killed himself but you can’t just assume I tried to. What the fuck, Jared! I would never do that! How fucking miserable do you think I am?” he yelled, “I climbed the tree and the branch broke, get it through your head!” but he was crying now because it was just one big fucking lie and now he was taking it out on Jared. 

 

“I don’t know how sad you feel cause you  _ lied _ and keep trying to  _ lie _ because I figured it out” Jared sobbed, hating the tears running down his cheeks. This wasn’t about him. “I-I can’t lose you Ev. I don’t wanna be alone. Talk to someone please, please Evan. Your mom, your therapist,  _ me _ . I can’t lose you. I need you Evan. Stop lying to me please.”

 

“That’s not what happened! I fell! I fell!” he screamed. 

 

“STOP LYING! PLEASE,” Jared cried. “How’d you break your arm Evan?

 

“I fell!”

 

“ YOU FELL MY ASS! YOU WOULDN’T BE CRYING IF YOU FELL! YOU’D BE CALMER THAN THIS! JUST ADMIT IT! YOU’LL FEEL BETTER….I feel like I’m going to pass out.”

 

Evan pushed him down onto the couch gently so he wouldn’t be as dizzy before storming into his room, locking his door and the window. 

 

Jared heard Evan leave but didn’t know when or where. His vision was blurred and it was hard to breathe. A panic attack? Jared didn’t get those. He tried the breathing exercises that he used with Evan and prayed it would work. 

 

Eventually Jared calmed down and  he sat up. Where was Evan? Jared tried the bedroom door but it was locked. Jared went outside and looked at the window, the curtains were closed and when Jared tried opening it, it was locked. Jared walked back inside and grabbed a throw pillow and a blanket from the couch. He placed them in the hall near Evan’s door and tried to get comfortable. He was staying over whether he liked it or not.

 

Evan got out his razor and rolled up his sleeves, careful not to make any noises.

 

Jared woke up first the next morning. Evan’s door was still locked. There wasn’t a sign of Heidi and Jared assumed she never came back that night. 

 

Jared decided to make breakfast since Evan was still not coming out. Jared made pancakes and left them out. Time to at least try. Jared marched up to Evan’s room and knocked on the door, “Ev, breakfast!”

 

He doesn’t respond. He lays on his bed staring at the glow stars on the ceiling. 

 

“Ev, I know how to pick a lock” Jared sighed. “Open up or I’ll do it for you. Please.”

 

He got up, rolling his sleeves back down from the night before and opened the door, eyes on the ground. 

 

Jared made sure Evan went first down the hall before following him to the kitchen. He watched Evan sit at the table and Jared handed him a plate. Jared passed over a fork and a mug of instant tea he had found before grabbing his own food. Kindness would probably get him further than yelling.

 

Evan pushed the plate away wordlessly. 

 

“Dude, we both didn’t eat dinner,” Jared sighed, shoving the plate over again. “C’mon, please.”

 

“You’re not my fucking mother,” 

 

Jared resisted the urge to bang his head into the table. Ugh, this is why Jared avoided his feelings, “Alright, I’m sorry I kissed you. If I hadn’t done that then none of this would have happened and we wouldn’t be mad at each other. Note to self, avoid all feelings. Seems to be working well for you after all.”

 

“You’re literally the biggest fucking asshole. Can you just fuck off?”

 

Jared stood up and grabbed his things. He clearly wasn’t wanted. Jared honestly was in pieces over this. Part of him wanted to scream at Evan, another wanted to kiss him because it had been really nice and he missed it, another wanted to just wrap him in a blanket of safety, and the other part wanted to leave, which he was. “See you Monday” Jared muttered. “Or maybe I won’t. I don’t really know.” Jared walked out the door and did his best not to slam it on his way out. 

 

“You won’t” he mumbled to himself. 

 

Jared walked through his front door and bounded to his room, parents be damned. 

 

“Jared,” his mom called. “How was Evan’s?” 

 

“Bad,” Jared yelled back. “We hate each other!” 

 

His father burst through the door. Jared jumped back at the noise. God, his parents needed to learn boundaries. 

 

“What did you do to him,” his mother demanded. 

 

“What did I...no it’s what he did!” 

 

“Oh I’m sure the Hansen started it,” his father grumbled. “Yes, the kindest child in the world started it.”

 

“I DON’T KNOW WHO STARTED IT,” Jared screamed. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” 

 

“Fucking faggot,” his father spat, walking back out with his mom. God Jared hated his parents sometimes.

  
  


Evan started sobbing as soon as the door closed. God, he fucked everything up. It’ll be easier if Jared hated him though. He stood up, grabbing the knife from his room and locked the bathroom door behind him. 

  
  


Jared didn’t expect to be called into the kitchen in the middle of the night, but it happened. His mother was standing there with a crying Heidi. 

 

“What’s going on,” Jared asked, not sure what to think. 

 

“Evan is in the hospital,” his mother explained. “I assume that it’s because of what you did to Evan.” 

 

“I didn’t do anything except try to help him,” Jared muttered. “Will he be okay?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Heidi sniffed. “I...I broke into his bathroom and he...there was a knife and...I don’t know what to do now. It all depends on if they can stabilize him. I just needed a minute to clear my head so I came here.” 

 

Jared proceeded to march out the door. Holy fuck, he did this. He left Evan, why the fuck did he leave? He knew Evan was suicidal why would he leave? He had said he wouldn’t! He heard his mother call after him, but Jared ignored it and started his car. He was gonna be there if-  _ when  _ Evan got up and no one would stop him.

 

So Jared sat in the chair where Evan’s room was. He only left when he had to, and school excused him because of the incident. Part of Jared thought Evan wouldn’t get up, but after a few days the doctors said he would make it, and all they had to do was wait for Evan to wake up.

  
  


Evan cursed at himself as he opened his eyes. He wasn’t planning on waking up.

 

_ Goddamnit. _

 

He let a few tears slide down his cheeks. He noticed Jared sitting there and pursed his lips together.

 

_ Double godammit. Fuck Fuck Fuck _

 

“Hey,” Jared whispered, running a hand through his messy hair. “Umm, you don’t have to talk. I can get the doctor and tell him that you’re up. Probably what I should do...I’ll be back.”

 

“Can you just leave...:” Evan said coldly

 

“No,” Jared sighed, too tired to argue, but not completely done with proving he wasn’t letting go of Evan. “I’m not leaving now. I sat here for almost a week and I’m not leaving until you go home. Argue all you want, I’m not leaving. Now, I’m getting the doctor and you’re going to...I dunno what you’ll be doing, but you’re gonna listen to the doctor.” 

 

Jared opened the door and called Evan’s doctor over. Jared had to leave while they did an evaluation, but he was right back in the room the moment the door opened. 

 

“What now,” Jared asked.

 

“I don’t want him here,” Evan told his doctor. 

 

“Why is that,” the doctor asked, looking down at his clipboard. “Mr. Kleinman has been here with your mother the whole time. Heidi only isn’t here now because we force her to leave so she can take a breather. Your mother allows him, why not you?”

 

“I hate him.”

 

“Well, I don’t hate you Evan,” Jared sighed. “Can we have a minute please?”

 

“ _ No _ ” he growled, digging his nails into his arms where his cuts were. 

 

“Sir, I have to ask you to leave,” the doctor sighed. “Me. Hansen is causing himself harm, and you know that we don’t need that.” 

 

Jared wanted to protest, but he was too tired. He left the room and finally went home. Of course Evan didn’t want to see him, it was his fault.

  
  


Evan felt guilty as soon as Jared left but everytime he looked at the shorter boy, their argument would flash through his mind all over again.

 

“I love you,” he whispered after Jared had gone. 

  
  


Jared didn’t see Evan for a few more days. He only saw him because they both were back at school and they had to stay after school to catch up. Meaning they were both stuck in the library. 

 

“Hey,” Jared whispered, taking his seat across the table from Evan.

 

Evan ignored him.

 

_ It’s fine. You can deal with this for a little while longer. Mom’s not going to be home tonight. _

 

Jared started his work and saw how Evan didn’t even seem to be trying. What if he tried again? Oh god...no. No it’s too soon. Evan wouldn’t do this. 

 

“My mom says hi,” Jared sighed, trying not to look at Evan. “And she needs you to come over tonight. I don’t know why, but she’s picking both of us up.”

 

“Can’t” he lied, “I have outpatient care,”

 

“I thought Heidi would have told you, I’m sorry,” Jared mumbled. “I...I can try to get her to back off. My mom is just...insistent. I’ll cover for you though, don’t worry.”

 

“‘Kay” he said. 

 

_ Stop. You’re supposed to hate me. Stop trying to help me!  _

 

Jared stayed quiet for the rest of the time. He finished all his algebra and had started his English before it was time to leave. Evan silently packed up next to him, it took a lot of effort to not say anything about the incident. Ugh! Jared just left the room and heard Evan following behind him. 

 

“Come on Jared,” his mother called. “Evan, lets go.” 

 

“Evan can’t go,” Jared said. “He’s busy.” 

 

“With what?” 

 

“Doctor stuff,” Jared blurted. 

 

“I thought Heidi told you,” his mom frowned, looking to Evan. “C’mon Ev, I’m sure Heidi cancelled whatever it is. Maybe she forgot to tell you. Get in here, we’ve gotta go.”

 

“Um…”

 

He really didn’t have a choice in this, did he? He obeyed and got in the car. 

 

Jared seemed surprised that Evan actually got into the car. He had been sure that Evan just didn’t want to come. Oh well, he didn’t even know what was going on anyway. 

 

“How’s it being back at school Evan,” his mom asked.

 

“F-Fine,” he said quietly

 

He used to be so comfortable with Jared’s mom, until he saw how his parents treated Jared one time. He tried to keep the conversation short. 

 

“Any new lessons you like,” his mom tried again. 

 

“Mom, leave him alone,” Jared grumbled.

 

“Uh, n-no,” he answered anyway so he wouldn’t be rude. 

 

“I’m just asking Jared,” his mom muttered. “You two used to babble the whole way over.” 

 

“Things are different now,” Jared grumbled. “We aren’t five, you don’t have to ask us how our day was. I still don’t even know why Evan is coming over.” 

 

“You’ll see,” his mom hummed. “Evan, what would you like for dinner honey?”

 

“Oh, uh, I can just, um o-order something in at home,’ he unconsciously shifted closer to jared in the uncomfortableness. 

 

“You’re staying for dinner Evan,” Jared’s mom chuckled. “I just want suggestions. I could make spaghetti?”

 

“Oh, sorry, um, anything’s fine, Mrs. Kleinman,” 

 

“What do you want, Jared,” his mom asked. 

 

“Whatever you make,” Jared sighed. He instantly saw Evan when he had moved and had been surprised to say the least. Must have been an accident. “You two can do whatever you need to, I’m going to my room.” 

 

Jared went into the house and froze at the sight of Heidi. When Evan came in his reaction was similar. Oh boy. 

 

“You two are not to leave Jared’s room until you make up,” Heidi explained. “Have fun.” 

 

The two were pushed into the bedroom and Jared heard the lock click from the outside. When did they have time to switch the door handle around? 

 

“Umm...what,” Jared blanked, staring at the door. “Mom, let me out!” 

 

“Make up,” Heidi yelled. “There’s two locks and one you have to be out here to get to, have fun boys!” 

 

Evan stared at the door in shock before he gave Jared a glare and pulled out his phone. 

 

“Evan,” Heidi yelled. “You have five seconds to give over the phones. Both of them. As you can see, I’ve already taken Jared’s computer, so you must socialize. If I don’t get the phones I’ll leave you in there all night.”

 

Evan looked up in anger, “What fucking business is it of yours who I’m friends with! You’re never even around!” he yelled to his mom. 

 

“A conversation for another day Evan,” Heidi groaned. “Me and Jess can deactivate the phones so they don’t even work from out here. Hand ‘em over now. Under the door, let’s go.” 

 

Jared slid his phone under and went to staring at the floor. He wasn’t sure Evan would appreciate even a glance from Jared at the moment.

 

Evan moved closer to the door, “No, let’s have this conversation  _ now _ ! I get to choose who I want to be friends with! You can’t fucking lock me in here! I bet Dad wouldn’t leave me alone all the time and than pull shit like this!” he screamed, knowing it was a low blow. 

 

“He isn’t even here,” Heidi growled. “He won’t leave you alone? Where the hell has he been for the past ten years? Don’t tell me that I’m a bad mom Evan, trust me, I know. Jess, deactivate his phone. I know I can’t choose who you’re friends with, but if Jess calls me and says that Jared is crying every night about a stupid fight like a teenage girl, that has to stop. You can blame me all you want, but you don’t hurt others around you like that. Not when someone sat by your side for a week while you were in a coma!”

 

“Not my fucking problem!” 

 

“You can’t have the conversation if we leave,” Heidi called. “Me and Jess are going out, have fun guys!”

 

Evan turned to Jared, “I’m not fucking doing this. I don’t care how long I’m in here.” 

 

“Just punch me or something,” Jared begged. “I hurt you. I made you do that. Punch me and I’ll lie and say we made up but we aren’t friends, you can go have Zoe as your friend and I’ll go away, but I deserve it for driving you to do that because...I’m a fucking idiot. Don’t hurt anyone but me. I want you to.”

 

“I don’t want Zoe! I wanted you!” he screamed. 

 

“Then why do you hate me,” Jared cried. “I thought everything would be cool and then I pushed you and I just...UGH! I don’t know what to do anymore Evan! I don’t know what you want or how to try and make everything at least a little better. Just...stop yelling all the time, if not at me then Heidi. She doesn’t deserve that. If you’re gonna be mad at me then stick with me, she’s trying and you know it. But please don’t hurt other people because of me Ev, I can’t let that happen.”

 

Evan paused for a moment to take it in before stepping towards Jared hesitantly. 

 

“Finally gonna hit me,” Jared asked. “Don’t hesitate, just go for it.”

 

Instead, Evan closed the distance and wrapped him in a hug, “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “For everything,” 

 

Jared hugged back instantly. “I was worried Ev,” he sniffed. “I missed you so bad. I told you that I wouldn’t leave and you kept pushing me out. I’m sorry too.”

 

Evan finally lost it and started sobbing, “I can’t do this,” 

 

“Do what,” Jared asked, having Evan face him. 

 

Evan looked back but didn’t respond as he cried, rubbing his forearms. 

 

“I-I...Ev, I’m gonna be there,” Jared whispered. “I’m always gonna be there. You need me at three in the morning and I’m there. I’ll drive you to school every day, I can’t lose you Ev. I already lost so much, you’re basically all I have now. I need you Ev, I’m not giving up.”

 

“You should. I’m broken and I’m just making everyone around me miserable.” 

 

“No you aren’t,” Jared shushed. “You aren’t broken. You...I...you are not broken Ev. You are amazing. How could you make people miserable? It’s just a rough patch in life. Do you not remember what happened when I came out? I never told you what was happening, but you knew. And now, I can deal with my parents hating that I’m gay. You’ll get through this Ev. It’ll be emotional and messy and you’re going to want to quit, but you can’t. If you honestly ever think that there is no reason for you to be here, just know that without you I’ll be alone, and then it’ll be me, but I won’t have you to help pick me up. I need you Ev, please don’t give up.”

 

“I’m trying,” he said softly, “Everything’s just...f-falling apart.” 

 

“We can always rebuild,” Jared assured. “C’mon, who else is gone reach the high shelves in Walmart for me cause I’m short? Evan, you can try to get me to give in all you want. I’m not doing it, I love you too much to not give my all.” 

 

_ Oh god I said I love him! Idiot! Now he’s gonna be freaked out by me God, emotions belong inside for fucks sake! At least these ones do! _

 

“I…” Evan stared at him with wide eyes before he leaned in and kissed him, “I love you too, Jare,” he whispered. 

 

Jared cupped Evan’s cheek with one hand and kissed him again. “I love you so much,” he murmured, peppering Evan’s face with kisses. “I love you so much that it might be unhealthy. Jokingly saying. It’s not unhealthy at all. God, I love you.”

 

Evan laughed but his face turned serious, “I’m so sorry, really, I am. I wish I could just redo everything after the fight. I can’t treat you like that. I’m so sorry.”

 

Jared ran a hand through Evan’s hair, “I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s better we work everything out now instead of letting it blow up later. We still have our issues, but we have each other to work through them.”

 

“I know but, I could have reacted better. I’m just... _ so angry _ and I feel like the walls are just closing in and I’m freaking out.” he pulled Jared closer again, “This whole week, I just kept playing back our fight and I just kept picking out everything I could’ve changed. I don’t even...I don’t even feel like myself. Jesus, everything feels wrong right now,”

 

“What can I do to fix it,” Jared asked. “To at least try.”

 

“You can’t!” he exclaimed, “I...I feel like I have to get angry. If I don’t get angry, I’m gonna panic. I’m literally forcing myself to get mad because that’s the only time my anxiety decreases. Shit. I’m so selfish,” he hid his face in his hands, “I’m sorry. It’s always about me and my problems. We never even talk about you.” 

 

“You don’t need to worry about my issues,” Jared shushed. “We can worry about that later we help you. It’s not selfish Ev, I promise. You are amazing, and you deserve help. You don’t have to be angry, anxiety happens and it sucks. But I’d rather be yourself and anxious then someone else and angry. I dunno, maybe if we just let the anxiety run its course it’ll be better after? I’m not a doctor, I don’t really know what’s best. But I’m trying my best Ev, I just want you to be back. I’m so glad I have you, but I kinda miss when you were shy about everything.” Jared finished his words and kissed Evan’s forehead. He really didn’t know how to fix this, and it was making him worry.

 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered again before kissing his lips. 

 

“It’s alright,” Jared assured. “I’m really relieved you don’t hate me. Cause, I thought you did, and that sucked. But, it’ll be okay. Promise.”

 

Evan pulled back and looked down in shame, not sure if he should apologize again or if that would just annoy Jared. 

 

“Boys,” Heidi called. “We’re back, can I let you two out or no?”

 

Evan cringed. He didn’t want his mom to even look at him after what he said to her. He took Jared’s hand immediately before realizing how sweaty and gross his own were and let go. 

 

“We could at least have sweaty hands together Ev,” Jared chuckled, grabbing his hand again. “I’m just as bad as you. We don’t really have the choice, but are you ready to face the music?” Jared kissed Evan’s cheek while he waited for a response.

 

Evan nodded even though he wasn’t, because Jared was right, they really didn’t have a choice. He held onto Jared’s hand tighter as he hid behind him, walking out. 

 

“Hey Heidi,” Jared greeted. 

 

“Evan, you can’t hide behind Jared, you’re taller than him honey,” Heidi sighed. “I assume you two made up?”

 

Evan didn’t respond or move out in front of him. His hands were shaking badly and he hoped Jared didn’t notice though it’d probably be impossible.

 

_ I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me, Mom. I’m so sorry. _

 

“We made up,” Jared nodded, squeezing Evan’s hand. “And...I know it’s not my place to even try to intervene, but I know Evan didn’t mean what he said to you. It was a heat of the moment thing.” 

 

“I know,” Heidi nodded, walking over to Evan. “Ev, I’m sorry I’m not home as much as I should be. I know I can’t make up for it, cause I’m still gonna be gone a lot. But maybe we should try and make a plan and stick to it. If it’s taco Tuesday then I’ll be there. I might be a few minutes late, there might be the days I have to stay at work, but it’ll be a full effort. I won’t push you off, you’re my boy, I need you as much as you need me.” Heidi held out her arms, “Hug?”

 

Evan scooted even closer to Jared, not looking up from his feet as he sniffled. How could she just forgive him like that? That’s not fair! 

 

Heidi dropped her arms but didn’t push her son. He had been through a lot, he needed time to get better. Heidi ruffled his hair and turned to Jared. “You’ll watch him for me when I’m not home, right?” 

 

“You make him sound like a kid Heidi,” Jared chuckled, running his thumb across Evan’s hand. “If Evan wants me, I’m there. For forever. I ain’t leaving him.” 

 

Evan didn’t look up but he smiled to himself at Jared’s words. Maybe things would turn out fine.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want a part two just say so. We are both welcome to keep going, and plan to keep working together with other works!


End file.
